You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr