Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
You Might Also Like
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.