THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.