She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
You Might Also Like
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?