Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
what it’s like dating me:
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Dance like you’re not the father
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.