If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?