Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare