NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
the three branches of government
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.