πππ <– lunar eclipse
πππ <– solar eclipse
πππ <– apocalypse
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Lady: Donβt go there itβs a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I thought my house was falling down but itβs just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If Twitter bellies up, Iβm getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Every βPeople Actually Want To Return To The Officeβ piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Day 3 of quarantine: I havenβt showered for weeks
I like you, but I donβt βgive you a roll of my toilet paperβ like you…
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, βYou are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.β
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I donβt gossip.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
βPlease make people stop believing things without any evidence,β I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: Iβm definitely bothered
βNo pain no gainβ I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Guy 1: guess I shouldnβt get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well itβs shark week
Guy 1: thatβsβ¦thatβs not what shark week is
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
iβm almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: αΆ α΅Κ³α΅
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said βHave you tried euthanasia?β and in the background my mom yelled βFor the last time, itβs echinacea!β