[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Great acting.. 😂
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper