Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die