Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
You Might Also Like
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??