me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
And that about sums it up.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.