If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues