Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: