What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
wtf management?!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.