I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Lmao 🤣
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.