How I like cutting carbs
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*