My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Tremendous stuff
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Guys, I found it.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.