DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.