My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
#NeverForget
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial