Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.