Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.