The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
2022 be like
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: