Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*