I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Taking phone security to the next level.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.