GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart