Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
BRO LMFAO
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.