Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
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My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”