[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
who did the taste test?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in