Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
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Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
crochet youtube is brutal
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”