“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me when my alarm goes off
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Beware of the dog..
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.