My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub