I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Every damn time
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses