It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.