Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Facebook Twitter
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from