‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Is this a threat?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]