[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
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“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.