HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”