government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Yes, this is exactly right
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
not for long
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.