I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The asteroid..
Cucumbers Anonymous
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone