[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I told my vodka about you.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?