LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible