No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.