My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?