If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
there’s probably a fee though
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.