A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.