If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You Might Also Like
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
6. me as a lawyer
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.