“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
You Might Also Like
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché