911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu